Dark Hearts and Dark Thoughts

Through My Eyes

Tears. My tears of pain, of hurt..of anger splatter down yet you still forsaken me.

You forsaken so many of us.

Everyday I gaze up at the night sky, wondering if you’re really there. There’s a domain in my heart enshrouded with fear, with doubt…do I believe in you or do I want to?

It hurts you know? To be thrashed. Mentally and physically…every single second of your life – even in my sleep, I am not at peace. To be called a whore, worthless, a mistake…countless other things…am I? But I guess I did prove her wrong in one respect; I didn’t get pregnant at the age of 14. But then she goes on to tell me that she must have done something wrong to have a child like me in this life…do I cause her suffering? Am I the reason why my family are unhappy?

Everyday I dread coming home. It starts from the minute I enter the house and stops from the minute I leave it.

I live in a cage.

I live in a prison.

It starts with the shouting, goes on to the throwing of objects at me, breaking my things and ends with the kicks and punches to my head, my stomach, my face. Everyday. I don’t know why but I swear I hear happiness radiating in his voice while he riles her up even further to take it out on me.

There is no such thing as family – it is all a pretence.

Sometimes I wonder if this is a test…a test from you. But why give me this test when others don’t…why me? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave…or do you want me to persevere through, determined, strong? Because I don’t think my strength will last any longer.

Everyday, that bottle of pills, sitting idly there, torment me. They sit there, tempting me, asking me to reach out. Will today be another day where I cower, where do I waver?

The thumps of the footsteps are resounding louder now , louder and louder.

There is no time to prepare.

These seventeen years. These seventeen long years I have tried. Maybe it is the easy way out. But to me, it’s the only.

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